This is a document written using ReMarkable, a shorthand syntax for generating HTML.

{	"date"		:	201110032040,
	"updated"	:	201110032040,
	"licence"	:	"copyright"
}

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# An Update #

*In a short span of time, many stressful things happened.* _
Detailing them seems to be just as stressful so I will be brief.

:: Sunday, September 11th
	My best friend Clint Franklin <says goodbye (http://clintfranklinblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/clint-says-goodbye.html)>.
	
	|	I give up.
	|
	|	Anyone who knows me all that well knows that I have struggled with mental illness for almost my entire life.
	|	I remember when I was in first grade, I was on anti-depressants. I don't remember exactly how that happened,
	|	but I do know that I was suicidal at the time. Five years old and suicidal.
	|
	|	Things never really got better.
	|
	| Clint Franklin—<Clint Says Goodbye (http://clintfranklinblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/clint-says-goodbye.html)>

:: Tuesday, September 13th
	I finish up the article I had been writing, "<~I Don’t Want to Do This Any More~ (/dont_wanna)>".
	The first half is written prior to Clint’s blog post, the second half afterwards.
	
	|	I see many people who have become proud of their suffering, who use anger as a shield to deflect the risk
	|	of change. I see others who hide from their full potential, afraid of the uncertainty that they will have
	|	to face. I see an unfair world that has been designed to limit the potential of all, equipped with an
	|	infinite distraction machine that shapes us to only ever chase everything that, deep down we know, doesn’t
	|	matter. I know that helping others see beyond this is the only career I’ve ever wanted. Love conquers all.
	|
	| Kroc Camen—<I Don’t Want to Do This Any More (/dont_wanna)>

:: Monday, September 19th
	Clint <sends his ultimatum (http://clintfranklinblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/loose-ends.html)> in riposte to the
	response he received.
	
	|	After receiving a small mountain of emails, Facebook comments, and other forms of communication,
	|	I just want to make things a little more clear for those of you who may be confused about my intentions.
	|
	|	[…]
	|
	|	For your sake and mine... stay out of my way.
	|
	| Clint Franlin—<Loose Ends (http://clintfranklinblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/loose-ends.html)>
	
	By this time I have lost faith in myself.
	
	|	I have known Clint for ten years and tried what I can to encourage him in what limited manner allowed his
	|	Internet connection and my own reservedness to pry into the private lives of others.
	|
	|	But this is too much for my abilities, too much for my words also. I don’t think he is open to listening to
	|	what I would say.
	|
	|	I have no words.
	|
	| Kroc Camen—<Camen Design Forum: An Update From Clint (http://forum.camendesign.com/an_update_from_clint)>

:: Thursday, 22nd September
	Early in the day Clint provides a response to the forum thread:
	(I am thankful at this moment that he is at least online and not self-destructing way out of reach)
	
	|	I did go back over the correspondence from after the original blog article. All it revealed to me was how
	|	little people think of me. The last thing I wanted from anyone was pity, but they all threw me a pity party
	|	anyway. It's rather pathetic -- I'm an adult now, people. I'm a big boy and I can make my own decisions,
	|	however stupid or undesirable you may think they are.
	|
	|	I guess maybe they believed that the right amount of patronization combined with a heaping helping of empty
	|	encouragement would make me feel better. That isn't to say that there weren't one or two very good letters
	|	to which I was more receptive... but the majority of them just managed to make me angry enough to reiterate
	|	my stance short of consulting the Sailors' Dictionary.
	|
	| Clint Franklin—<Camen Design Forum: An Update From Clint (http://forum.camendesign.com/an_update_from_clint?page=1#6ux7zppqo3s4)>
	
	Later that day I get an e-mail from Clint, he has thought things over and is feeling much better.
	
	|	Hey Kroc, sorry for all the mess I've put you through. I just wanted to let you know that some people
	|	(ironically strangers for the most part) have been chiming on things, and some of it has gotten me
	|	thinking...
	|
	|	So...
	|
	|	Forgive me for putting you through so much. You deserve better from me. After all we've done, all we've
	|	been through, the memories we share... I pretty much just laid a giant turd on you out of nowhere.
	|	What can I say -- I'm an idiot. An emotionally charged idiot at that.
	|
	|	Truth is, I never wanted to hurt anyone. Some twisted logic in my head made me think that the best way to
	|	see to it was to extricate myself from reality. After a bit of wrestling with untwisted logic from people
	|	outside of my head, I feel as though the good in me doesn't want to let go. Beaten... bruised... defeated...
	|	it just won't give up.
	|	
	|	I guess I have people like you to thank for that. Logic is one way to win a fight. But there also has to be
	|	a catalyst... something to fight for. You are among the people who I should be fighting for.
	
	My response:
	
	|	There are few people these days that would have the outright honesty and bravery as you do to not only
	|	apologise but to also speak your mind. A lesser man would have rather walked away from a friendship than
	|	face the embarrassment of apologising. It also takes quite something to tell said friend how he was wrong
	|	too; no such situation is truly one sided. You under value just how accomplished a human being you are.
	|
	|	I have always tried to be straight with you, my own particular mete, which works for some things but not
	|	others. I cannot understand all of your problems no more than you could understand all of mine.
	|	This is why I feel you need more people in your life to cover a wider range of understanding than just my
	|	point-blank approach to everything.
	|
	|	There is only so much pushing that I am personally equipped to take. You pushed so far this time I gave up,
	|	I’m sorry. I’m just glad that there are other people (even strangers) who are strong enough to push back.
	|	When you remove the only tiny channel of communication I have with you, and then blockade the entrance,
	|	there’s little I feel I can do. I wanted to write you a snail mail letter, but all week I was stressing
	|	over the insurmountable task of sitting down and summing up my thoughts in a way that wouldn’t just
	|	'set you off'. Then you write your "follow up" and it knocks me back so much that I no longer feel like
	|	writing to you would even have any effect. I was in shock. I had to contemplate losing my best friend,
	|	and if it wasn’t for my girfriend being in my life, I would be very ill in bed right now from the stress
	|	I have been experiencing.
	|
	|	I want you to know that you don’t have to measure your self-worth by your talent, or admonishment of lack
	|	there of. What you can, can’t, will or won’t do with your hands is not what has to define you--be it a
	|	programmer, web designer or musician--what matters is your relationships with others. These are the
	|	important things in life that will bring you many benefits, especially when you're not well.
	|	Yours or my talent will not drag us out of a depression.
	|
	|	I know I have always encouraged you when it comes to working on various projects, I know you need at least
	|	some creative outlet, but these are not replacements for friendships. I apologise if I have put too much
	|	emphasis on projects in the past, it’s something I will not do again. I’d rather that we better invest the
	|	 time building our friendship.
	|
	|	Quoting first your forum post:
	|
	|	|	I guess maybe they believed that the right amount of patronization combined with a heaping helping
	|	|	of empty encouragement would make me feel better. That isn't to say that there weren't one or two
	|	|	very good letters to which I was more receptive... but the majority of them just managed to make me
	|	|	angry enough to reiterate my stance short of consulting the Sailors' Dictionary.
	|
	|	Clint, very very few people are emotionally and intelligently equipped to help others with deep
	|	psychological stresses. Being a good human being is not part of any curriculum, anywhere.
	|	Nobody and nowhere specifically teaches us to be empathetic, loving, understanding and knowledgeable
	|	enough to understand what actions are actually appropriate in such a situation. Even the field of
	|	psychology ends up falling into the "drugs are the answer" trap because the world, driven by profit,
	|	systemises everything, ironing out any human emotion. It reduces people to processes and tick-boxes.
	|
	|	This world is so obsessed with career and personal success that individuals cruise through life not doing
	|	what really matters and will bring them happiness: educating themselves in how to be a good human being.
	|	The Bible measures personal success in terms of loving God and loving others, not the love of money,
	|	material possessions and status.
	|
	|	These 'misguided' responses you got are only people showing genuine care in the extremely limited fashion
	|	that they know of, that they have at their disposal. They may be very well educated in any other number of
	|	fields, but helping others so deeply is an oft-exercised part of themselves and they’re reduced to a form
	|	of desperation, as was myself.
	|
	|	|	In the end, it was looking to me more and more as though Kroc was digging himself into a hole he
	|	|	couldn't get out of. Why? Because of some bandwidth? Jesus Christ. I don't care that it takes 10
	|	|	minutes to get a page to load, or that I have to make a half-dozen attempts before I can download
	|	|	a file over 2MB. Not if it means Kroc is going to bring his entire life to a screeching halt and
	|	|	sell stuff that has sentimental value to him for the sake of me having a slightly more convenient
	|	|	method of perusing the Web.
	|
	|	Our friendship is not about bits and bytes, it’s about emotion, and for expressive emotion you need enough
	|	bandwidth to express that emotion. I want to get you on broadband, tried so hard, because I am running out
	|	of steam trying to communicate by IM alone. I want you to experience a more full and expressive me by way
	|	of real time audio and video. I can’t get to know you better by text alone. I didn’t start this donation
	|	drive because "it's a cool idea", I started it because you need to be connected to more people, and I
	|	can’t be there to do that in your real life, but I can do something over the Internet.
	|
	|	I want to sell my stuff because the sentimental value is far outweighed by the value of our friendship,
	|	not the value of some broadband. I have said to others, though I don’t recall if I’ve said it to you
	|	directly, but if I wanted I could just give you the money for the broadband, the whole donation drive and
	|	selling my stuff is because I want to show you that others, including many strangers, and myself respect
	|	you for who you are as a gentle and creative person and not as charity-case ill man. I want people to see
	|	all the good you are capable of and broadband is a step forward in that regard. Please see that I have
	|	always tried to look beyond the bits and bytes alone, which my blog has mostly been about lately.
	|	I’m not interested in what sites you peruse, but I am interested in you sharing and outwardly expressing
	|	yourself the web.
	|
	| Kroc Camen
	
:: Sunday, September 25th
	Clint writes <a most beautiful blog post (http://clintfranklinblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/back-where-i-belong.html)>
	to let everyone know he’s better and explain what happened.
	
	|	I don't consider myself as having best friends. I'm not saying that I'm not closer to some of you than
	|	others, just that when you come into my life, and I have a good feeling about you, and you become my
	|	friend... you become an extremely special person. If you are a part of my life, then I will treat you as
	|	such. Once you've stepped over that threshold, then I hold you in high esteem -- I love you. It's that
	|	simple. Love is not something to take lightly -- but it *is* something to be given freely.
	|	Thank you to my friends for giving back to me the ability to return to this place...
	|
	|	... because, although I'm not really "going" anywhere in the world, I have arrived at a pretty good place.
	|	As long as I can keep you in my sight, as long as love cannot be bound by distance, as long as I am alive,
	|	I am at the place where I belong...
	|
	|	... with you.
	|
	| Clint Franklin—<Back Where I Belong (http://clintfranklinblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/back-where-i-belong.html)>

In that time I have discontinued <the fund-drive (/help_clint)> and <auction (/stuff_for_clint)>.
At the moment Clint is looking into a government broadband subsidy scheme that may mean that the current amount donated ($1188) will suffice.

I apologise for any donators who have been left in the dark, and I thank all of you for your outstanding genirosity towards my friend.

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