Camen Design

© copyright

410: Gone

I have come to realise that I am in a real creative slump as of late. Not creative as in “look at what I made!” but creative as in the simple ability to express oneself. Making things is not necessarily creative; you can make babies, which is certainly creating something, but it’s not ‘creative’ in the slightest.

I've been mostly working on NoNonsense Forum with whatever time I've been giving to programming, but that has become very dull and lacking in creativity. My own forum doesn’t need any of the features I'm adding, and since I don’t ever see any other instances of NoNonsense Forum, nor hear from users (except on the rare occassion) I'm not getting any joy out coding for no purpose other than to bash my head against code for the sake of it being there.

In this way I feel I’ve lost myself to the lure of general pervasive apathy that permiates large portions of the Internet. I could not for a moment agree that watching YouTube or checking Reddit is more immediately important than writing a letter to a friend, but I am not rightly able to master the will to focus on such a task. It is only away from my desk that I have the power to think, and as soon as I return to it, I am drained completely. It has taken me weeks to write this alone for that reason.

Let me inform you that your ability to be creative with a computer and the depth of your knowledge of it is worthless and infantile in the face of managing a home! I have found that living with the woman I love is a very simple task; managing the home we live in, however, is quite the most challenging, all-encompassing, overwhelming amorphous blob of a problem you will likely experience. Having a firm grip on one’s life is sadly not given the attention and praise it deserves. I place such capability much higher than all secular skills. If you can manage other people’s lives through work, that’s just mediocre. If you can manage your own life, well that’s something rare and special these days.

I have many worries piled on me at home. The turmoil I have been through in one year has made me very unsettled. Unable to face the amorphous blob, I default to the computer instead every time. This has become such a problem that I have to take action against myself to hope to scrape through this year.

Just as of late, I've discovered that it appears my 2007 MacBook Pro won’t be eligable for the Mountain Lion upgrade. I am officially old-hat, behind the cutting-edge, a pain and an inconsideration for software developers. Okay, so maybe that’s an exaggeration since Moutain Lion isn’t even out yet, but there is no possibility I can afford a new Mac; I have to save that much to be able to pay my tax bill and my wife’s annual travel ticket at the end of the year.

What that means in practical terms is that—everything added up—I can no longer run Camen Design. If I can’t run the latest software, I can’t test or develop for it, and even if I could, what time I'm devoting to it is taking away from the harmony in my home. My desire to continue the site is being squeezed out of me from multiple angles.

I've put my Mac away so it’s no longer the first place I go to every morning. Since it’s no longer supported by Apple and I cannot afford another, it’s just a download slope into obsolesence and I may as well get out now before it becomes painful and difficult. I'm writing this on my netbook, which greatly restricts what I am able to practically create (3 GB free on a 16 GB SSD!).

I've come to feel that Camen Design is of no interest to anybody any more, it’s sloppy and out of date, and irrelevant in a world of wrong technlogy going in the wrong direction doing the wrong things. I'm not going to change my principles to suit the way the world has gone, I'm just going to stop being a part of it.

Looking after my wife and my home is the priority and I wish I could slap myself around the face and wake up to the urgency required, but I have known nothing else in my life than to sit in front of the computer and create. For once I must destroy rather than create and remove the anchor that weighs me down so much.