The following was written by my wife Eve and republished here due to Posterous shutting down.
Son, I Am Disappoint. :)
How disappointed was I? I spent the best part of three years hating myself for what I had become,
for the failure I believed I was, for how I let everybody, including God and myself, down.
Then, one day, my point of view was changed in two hour-and-a-half sessions with Shaun, a great therapist from
Brighton. And it was a slow change up to the point when things clicked and suddenly made sense and it was as if a
snowball had been sent flying down a hill. I knew that everything I had come to regard as my truth over the last few
years was to be burned, ruined, broken and blown into smithereens for me to start anew. I started thinking again,
seeing things for what they really were, I started laughing again.
But boy was I disappointed! Not with myself, not with any of the lies that my mind had created for me in those years
of depression. Because beating myself up over past feelings, choices and decisions was not going to be in any way
helpful. I took the things I disliked about my life and slowly started changing them, one step at a time. I have
been learning patience and kindness and love — all these I already had but never when it came to myself. It has
been hard and I am not there yet, in fact I am far off but I can see the vast chasm between who I was at the
beginning of this year and who I am now.
The disappointment hasn’t disappeared from my life, it just shifted from me to this society. Sometimes I think I
am the only one who sees the imbeciles this world is spewing out who think it is their birth right, their
prerogative, to be on top of the food chain, to rule over everyone, to not be bothered about the consequences of
thwir choices or actions or behaviour — and to be proud of not caring. People — can we even call them people?
— who see nothing and no one beyond themselves; corporations who will try their hardest to suck you dry, to
extract every last bit of cash, energy, and life out of you; governments who don’t care about the consequences of
their actions and regard you and your loved ones as collateral damage.
In a world where everyone is out to get you, where a friend will stab you in the back if the price is right, you
have got to be on your guard 24/7. This is how I saw my world: you can trust anyone but only to a certain point.
Your family, your lover, your pastor — they are all human and therefore not to be trusted fully. The only person I
trusted 100% was my mother, and even her decisions I had to think about because she was trapped in her little bubble
of a world and what she regarded as best for me was not always compatible with my beliefs or values. I never trusted
any of my exes fully, which used to rile them, but I had always been proven right, every single time. I've become
the sort of person who doesn’t trust people. I don’t trust my doctor — not because I think he is malicious,
but because I believe he is misguided. I don’t trust my boss because I have the feeling that if things hit the
fan, he would be the first to take facts and twist them to save his own ass. I don’t trust my friends to be there
if I need them — not because I think they would be too cowardly but because life can get in the way. And I have
come to regard this attitude as a normal part of my life. It certainly was the best way to avoid disappointments.
Then out of a massive feeling of discontent, the greatest love emerges. Imagine my shock when I meet a person so
pure, with such high morals and values, with the firmest of spines that he makes me pale in comparison. Someone who
doesn’t compromise just to placate people around him. Someone whose personality is so beautiful it takes my breath
away. Someone so gorgeous it causes me almost physical pain to look at him and yet I cannot seem to avert my eyes. A
man so intelligent yet so humble who has given me more in the five months I have known him than anyone else ever
At a time when I accepted that there really isn’t more to life than what I already knew and believed was true, I
am suddenly given this precious gift of having this person placed neatly and carefully in my life. It was almost
like God bending down from heaven and telling me ‘right, you have learned enough about yourself and about life
now, so here you go, this is my gift to you’ because although I watch him when I think he’s not looking and
think ‘where have you been all my life?’, I also know that had I met him years ago, I wouldn’t have been able
to appreciate him for who he really is.
So somehow, out of the biggest feeling of disappointment in my life, the strongest feeling of gratitude and love is
born. I am humbled beyond words. Thank You.