Camen Design

© copyright

The following was written by my wife Eve and republished here due to Posterous shutting down.

Weighty Issues

I am amazingly, ridiculously, sickeningly happy. Maybe not always, but these days I am.
Not so long ago, however, I was going through the worst time of my life. A lot of things happened which contributed to this in small or large part, and I am not going to go too deep into them. Not because they are painful (enough time has elapsed now for me not to be hurt by them) but because they aren’t important anymore.

What is important, though, is the consequences of my unhappiness. Isolation, depression, and weight gain were just a few of the ‘blessings’ I was left with when going through hard times. The obsessive behaviours, the binge-eating, and the self-loathing have left scars on my body and soul. Yes, they are things and situations that happened a long time ago but the physical, mental and emotional reminders still remain. I have said elsewhere on this blog that I am going through a conscious change. I didn’t like the weight gain but I haven’t been able to actually do anything about it until recently. A conscious change takes a lot of energy, mental and physical preparation and determination. I didn’t like the depression, but the only solution I was being offered from all sides was meds. It isn’t until you realize that there is no quick fix to any one problem that you start turning the tables.

I have decided to embark on this change a few months back. The first thing was to purge my life of bad influences and people who were making me unhappy — this included getting rid of my back then long-term partner. I decided to stop watching meaningless crap on telly, mainly my favourite Slovak soap opera. This was stealing my time and numbing my brain and I was going to need both to manage to stick with my plan of turning my life around. I brought music back into my life on a large scale. I joined a gym where I can go swimming. I have joined various gyms before but always hated going. Yes, I was happy afterwards but I always felt like I should be doing more, I felt obliged to. Nowadays I look at the swimming pool through the eyes of gratefulness. I am thankful that I have the chance to move my body, to be weightless in water — I have always loved that sensation, along with being mindful about my own body and the way it moves. I have started reading more books. I brought dancing and laughter and joy back. I started enjoying the simple things in my life which are so perfect — the feeling of newly washed sheets on my bed, sitting on the floor with a good book, watching my hamster stuff his face with nom-noms and making bets with myself if he can stick another baby carrot in his cheek. Wrapping up in the blanket that my Mum knitted for me when sitting on the sofa. I started writing this blog.

However, I knew that all these were just little baby steps towards the biggest change I am in the process of making. I took a critical look at myself, and trust me, it wasn’t a nice thing to look at. I have steadily increased in size over the last 5 years or less. And the shocking thing is that I finally saw it, and took it in, and wept over how far I have let myself go… a couple of months ago. Yes, I have gone up 5 dress sizes in as many years (or less), but only really SAW it two months ago. Again, reasons don’t really matter because they are in the past. They would only matter if the situations were continuing, then I would have to remove myself from the situations but seeing as this wasn’t the case, I was grateful that at least one obstacle to my weight loss had been removed already.

The most shocking thing about the whole weight gain is that I am not stupid, nor poor. I am not stupid enough not to know that a Galaxy bar is bad for me and spinach is good for me. I am not poor enough not to be able to afford fresh, nutritious produce. I am actually shockingly well educated when it comes to nutrition. I know the best ways to lose weight, in a healthy way, and keep it off. I own equipment that I know helps me get the most out of my food. I know the best ways to prepare foods and own mountains of recipes for wholesome dishes that nourish more than just the body. Heck, I can go online if I feel lazy and order all sorts of ingredients to be delivered straight to my house at a time that is convenient to me. For the days when I am unable/unwilling to get to the gym, I have equipment at home and stacks of DVDs to help me exercise and burn off fat.

And yet… I can count on one hand the number of times I have used my rebounder in the last 3yrs. Or the free weights. Or the masticating juicer. Or, indeed, the number of times I actually cooked something from scratch. I cannot, on the other hand, even start counting the number of times a delivery guy dropped off pizza at my house. Or Chinese. Or Indian. You know things are bad when your local Chinese greets you on the phone with ‘Hello, the usual?’ and when you’ve used your card on the phone so many times that you inadvertently recall all the digits verbatim. I maintain that the worms in my garden are the happiest worms in the world. Why? Because I have lost count of the times when I have embarked on a healthy lifestyle change, only to half-heartedly pick up the (organic! local-grown!) lettuce I bought a week ago, hold it between my thumb and index finger like it’s something contagious and chuck it in the compost bin because it has liquidized in my fridge. To the joy and celebration of my worms.

So here is me giving myself a promise that this time next year, I shall be waltzing around in my size 12 clothes, feeling at peace with myself, not waging a war on my body, accepting myself for who I am, and being grateful for what I have. Watch me do it.